Mans' Spirit

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences."  

the good.
the bad.
the beautiful.
the ugly.

all experiences shape who we have been, who we are & who we will or want to become.

to prevail against all odds.  sometimes the inevitable.

this will live on me and in me forever. inked on my arm and in my heart. a reminder of life. all the obstacles & adventures that have been presented.

 i will forever live, learn and love unconditionally.

for the moments we are given are too sweet to forget. and the people we share this dessert with are the ingredients in our cake.

there is so much more to taste & see.

peace, love & the many many joys of life.

Recovery Is Absolute

Well, it has sure been awhile. 

All is well and good since we last spoke.  I'm anxious for different reasons now.  The type of anxiety that is good for the heart and soul. Unlike those feelings I had felt which feel so long ago now.

It's been a long recovery for our little family but we surely do not take life for granted. And in this instance, I say this because we are fully investing in a fresh start (not that we ever needed one). 

Our little family, once uncertain of the days to come, will be diving straight into new opportunities and experiences that we have never faced. And together.  The together is what makes it seem all worth it.  I know it will all be okay in the end no matter the anxious hardships we go through in the next few months because we are excited about it. 

It's for sure a bittersweet moment for our present day.  Thinking about past adventures this place has led us to and dreaming about the great experiences that are yet to come.

 I guess that is what life is all about...

Peace, Love & The Joy of Life

The Darkside to Happiness

The sad part about happiness is that there is an opposite side.  Everything has an opposing force.  Depending on which side you fall on, it could be better or it could be worse.

I haven't felt sad since I was in my angsty younger years. I don't need to disclose how old that makes me feel but it's been a very long time.  I can honestly say this year has been perfect and by far the best in life I have experienced.  Well, unfortunately, anything that feels perfect is too good to be true.  There is always a dark side to happiness.

I can't eat.  I can't sleep.  I feel mute and lost.  I feel confused and overwhelmed.  I zone out and become extremely anxious.  I don't think I've ever felt this anxious in my life.  This was all so sudden my body had no time to react in a healthy normal manner.  I'm shutting down from the inside out and I have no clue how to stop it.  I burst into fits of panic and my tears wont stop.

In the back of my mind I know everything will be fine but all my emotions keep flooding in drowning how I'm trying so hard to feel.  I can't help it.  I can't stop it.

I just want him home and healthy and back to normal.  It may seem ridiculous to some people but he's my child.  I don't know what to do without him...

I'm broken.

Life is different when he's not around.

"A house is not a home without a dog."

My translation...  A heart is not whole without a dog.

Thank you to all for keeping us in your thoughts.  It's the one thing getting the three of us through it all.  We are looking forward to going back to being a happy little family very soon and cherishing every moment we are given together.

Long Awaited Laughter

Whew! It's been over two weeks.  Weeks full of love, laughter and everything there after.  We've been busy traveling & doing everything but traveling. Needless to say, it's go go go time.  September is a doozy for sure but I have a love for it already.  It's busy but a good, great, grand & wonderful kind.

September is finally cooling off into a chilly 60s-70s, the sun is setting a tad earlier and love is seriously in the air.  Who knew September would be the busiest month for weddings? Not I, I say.

A few weekends ago we had the pleasure in attending one of our dear friends weddings.  It was an adventure.  The kind that you long for and when you actually have it you're too busy living it to notice.  Pure perfection.  We flew in via plane in the morning and continued on our way driving with friends up North.  When I say north, I mean north... and the in the middle of no where north.

I'm a true fan of no wheres.  It's a place where people forget about, that brings you back to reality.  At least somewhat of a reality.  Maybe it's the opposite?  A magical place where you can escape away from reality.  But you reconnect with what is important in life. Who knows.  All I know is that I loved it.  Full of grown trees, crisp leaves, light rains and golden hour sunsets. Seriously... what could be better?

Oh wait, friends.  I never forget how amazing my friends are but sometimes I do forget how we all are so grown up now.  It's an incredibly weird feeling.  Yet we all manage to bring out the child in us when we are together even when we have been apart for so long.  Or maybe that's just categorized with immaturity.  Either way, we have fun and that's all that matters.  We ate a lot of food, food that's bad for you.  But I can say that we laughed so much that I'm not sure I even gained a pound (even though my body felt it).  I think laughing is the greatest thing in the world.  It was given to us as a gift & a forever cure for many things.  #1 medicine you can't find over the counter.  I recently saw this commercial on the television and thought it was the most brilliant one I've seen in a long time.  It was simple, straight to the point and showcased something we all love and agree on.....laughter.  Enjoy... giggle, laugh & maybe even tear up a little.

I wish I could have captured enough of the laughter over the course of the weekend but I was laughing too hard to capture it, sorry friends.  I think that's the one thing I regret most of the weekend, I didn't take enough photos.  I brought my camera and intended on it but never really got around to it.  There was just too much going on and at points there was not enough motivation from me to deal with outside entities (aka RAIN!).  But that's what our memories are for I guess.  I have many memories to share and hold dear.  Some repetitive and some brand new.  But forever loved.

So here's to one of the many joys of life... laughter.  May you surround yourselves with people that make you love & laugh everyday.

Photos to come later!

Peace, Love & The Joy of Life.

Man's Best Friend: Truth At It's Finest

I've grown up loving animals. I don't think I could ever hate any animal (cats sometimes scare me though).  I think it's essential for a child to grow up knowing, learning, touching & taking care of a pet.  It's responsibility but more than that it shows them that love can come from other creatures in the most simple of ways.  There are many sayings that identify the love for a pet and can sometimes explain it better than love in general.

  

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.

-Anatole France

 For instance this very well known idea that the love for a pet and from a pet can truly make you feel alive.  It explains that once a person has opened their heart to an animal that they, more than anyone else, have truly lived.

It's hard to grasp the fact that you can love an animal as much as a human being.  Something that doesn't necessarily speak your language but knows every move you make while trusting in you completely.  Can you believe an animal, a different species, can understand everything you do and react to it in their own ways and we understand it.  We communicate more than we think we do with animals.  

It's kind of ridiculous how much love I have for my dog. I had always wanted one of my own but could never find the right time to adopt.  It wasn't until a few years ago that he kinda just fell under our noses. It's funny to think how ready I was yet how nervous I was at the same time.  I kept thinking, "am I going to be a good mother to this dog?"  I doubted myself a lot. But I had to keep reminding myself that they are simple creatures and we are too.

My main squeeze... Pnewman.

All animals, except man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.

-Samuel Butler

All they want out of life is to be happy.  All they need is to know someone loves them.  Even in the worst of situations an animal seeks enjoyment & happiness. They never are sad or are hurt unless us humans give them a reason to feel that way (which is another whole rant I can go off on).  It's incredible how sensitive animals can be.  Like I said before, we understand them and they understand us. They see the good in things even if they are bad.

 My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

-Author Unknown

Sometimes I truly wonder what he thinks.  If he could speak what would he sound like? What does he really think of me?  Probably that I'm his smothering over protective spoiling mother and if he could have his way he'd want me leave him alone (yeah, right).  It's the ears, I can't handle it sometimes.  I guess all I can do is try to see through the eyes of my dog and strive for the best in myself. 

I think about this stuff everyday but I bring it up today because the loss of an animal is just as hard as loosing a relative.  I mean you live with them for twelve or more years and see them everyday of their lives. I'd say sometimes they are closer to you than some relatives.  And to mourn the loss of a loved pet in my eyes is acceptable.  Extremely acceptable. They are there for you always and you are there for them always.

The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of its master.

-Ben Hur Lampman

The loss of an animal is hard. I've witnessed it twice in my lifetime and I know I will witness it again, not soon but later in life.  And it will hurt just as much every time, maybe even more.   But honestly, pets make you a better person.  There are many things I can tell you that makes this true but I don't think I need to.  All I can do is recommend that you once in your life love an animal as much as a human.  If not, maybe, more. 

Eventually, I'll understand the love for a child will be greater than my love for my dog.  But right now, it's unfathomable. And I'm okay with that. He's my everything.

 Peace, Love & The Joy of Life

** In loving memory of Ms. Heidi... you will be missed extremely by your loving parents and of course by everyone you touched throughout your life, including me. I really wish Pnewman could have met you, I know you would have been great friends. **

   

Decisions Can Be The Death Of Me

There's something about big decisions that make me indecisive. Maybe it's because of the longevity of this decision or the amount of money involved in the outcome of this decision. Regardless, it makes me squeamish. I don't want to rush it but I know I'm not. It's a battle in my head of what I really feel. Damn it, this is when I believe in my astrology sign.

Believe it for not, I've never done this before and maybe that's the real reason why it's hard for me to make a complete decision and be comfortable with it. I'm still young and I can seriously say that I've done a lot more than most people at my age and even older. I'm a college graduate with a great job in my field, a married woman with a mortgage and a child- well furr child but let's be honest, he's my baby- and all my bills, including my cell phone, are now in my name. The whole idea of doing this scares me and it shouldn't- I've been through what most people would consider even scarier situations, like buying your first place.

Brand new car. To most, if not all of you, this is something you probably did when you were sixteen and are probably laughing at me right now. But like I've explained before, I grew up in a very generous home and was always taken care of when it came to that. Now I never had a brand new year of model car, it was always used or older and maybe that's why I'm even more intimidated. Brand new car. No one has owned this car prior to me (well of course, the dealership). Whatever happens to it is my fault, just like everything else in my life. It's a big step for me & large purchase I don't want to take lightly. 

It's not only a car for my dog but one day will be a car that our children will sit in. Now that is intimidating. I'm sure most wouldn't really think about it and maybe it's my brain running faster than my legs and arms again.  But I truly feel in this situation, the future actually matters.  And it is crazy to think that. We knew we would never stay in the home we bought forever, that was part of our plan.  But this decision is long term and way longer than that.

I'm trying to have fun with the whole thing but it actually gives me a headache and stresses me out a little.  I guess we will see. I narrowed down a few yesterday which helped in my process.  The trunk is my biggest priority without getting the car too big.  I keep saying this car is for my dog and truly in my heart it is. I want him to be comfortable and I don't want him to ruin my seats (seriously).  I don't think that's too much to look for.  But then you see the things you can afford and the things you can't.  I realize, damn it, I want all those things I can't afford.  I'm not sure I will be extremely happy with any car I purchase from here on out until I hit my mid life crisis. Cars seem too practical to me yet there is something about it that I want to feel luxury.  It's a fight and a battle in my head on what is practical and what I will love for a very long time.

Do I really need to be thinking about practicality?  In my situation, I really think that is a yes. So down below is one of the ones I saw yesterday that I have a feeling will be the one in the end. But I'd still like to see a few more and test out that trunk space.  This car I believe I could love for a very very long time if I got everything I wanted in it. The problem is what I want there are things I don't want and there is no give and take with a step up.  And there is a nice price difference, too.  It's all jumble in my head.

These are the decisions I have to make... I'm making this too difficult.  I should be happy I'm getting one and that we can afford it.  That's the bottom line.

2013 Kia Sorrento

Peace, Love & The Joy of Life

The Me No One Can Really See

Print & Fashion. Sometimes I think its the essence of what I am and who I am.

I majored in commercial photography with a focus in fashion and a minor in business. I grew up immersed in the fashion industry and the print industry.  I really think I was born into this world ready to be apart of it all.

When I was younger, my mother decided to fulfill her life long dream of going to fashion school.  Because she was a mother of two, she took the night classes and always brought us with her.  We would sit outside the classroom in the hallway, play our games and do our homework, nap and eat.  I never remember it ever being awful.  I do remember always wanting to go into the classroom with her and sit under her cutting table and play with all her scraps. I used to do this at home.  My mom had many dress forms and having two young girls, her thesis project was a children's clothing line.  So of course, she needed a mini dress form- child size if you will.  I remember taking fabric and draping it over the dress form pretending to make what mommy made.  I was also in her end of year runway show to showcase her work. I modeled a few outfits, took some photos with some friends & some very pretty tall leggy models, strutted my little butt down that long road of a runway and then got paid with animal crackers & chicken nuggets behind stage.  I'd say that's anyone's dream, right?

All models have attitude but these models learned at a young age.

Those tiny legs were on the run.

My mother was brilliant: high lo wedding dress. I really wasn't as small as this chick made me look.
 I mean, I was a model, ya know.

I've always looked up to her for that.  Being a mother and going to school. She later worked for a couture boutique in the city doing pattern making. I, again, remember going to work with her down in the city.  That train ride, long walk over the bridge and through the traffic to get to her space. I'd make forts under her desk and fall asleep. I'm sure I was a pain in the ass and whiney through it all.  But I look back on it now and think damn- I got to see a lot as a kid and yet I still kept all my innocence.

A lot of the privileges us ladies of our clan have gotten were because of my father's willingness to let us succeed and of course his generousness in helping us fulfill those dreams.  He worked hard for us to be able to do those things.  He still to this day does, even though he doesn't have us living under his roof anymore. He will die a happy man once my sister gets married.  It will be like a reinvention of his bank account.  He is a very smart man, especially with money.  It's basically what he does. He's been working at the same company for over 25 years.  If I could say it, he pretty much runs that company.  Not sure if he would agree but that's how I view him, a smart powerful man.  He's even intimidating to me in some in depth conversations.  I remember going to work with him, too. I would sit at the desk behind him, play on the computer (that was turned off) and pretend I was his secretary. I'd follow him down to the factory where they'd print everything and be amazed at the large machinery spitting out thousands of things at a time.  I'd see things I'd recognize: logos, advertisements, brochures. He'd try to explain to me the process over the noise and I'd intently listen but really just lose myself in all the hustle and bustle.  I don't know if I really ever grasped what my father actually did for his job but I knew he was an important person and that people looked up to him.  I look up to him especially for his work ethic.  There's no 9-5 in this man's life.  If he needed to go in on a saturday to make things work, he would.  And that's a reason I try my best to work as hard as I can, to be just like him.  I worked under him at that very company many years later while studying in college in the Digital PrePress room.  I learned a lot from that company.  Things I don't necessarily think I'll ever use myself in the future but knowing them makes me a smarter better person at what I specifically do.  It looks great on my resume- I can tell you that.  I can explain what happens after the fact.  Knowing the entirety of a process from start to finish is essential in my business.  From conceptualizing, to styling and shooting, to retouching, to designing and all the way to the machine that prints it.

There's something about print that makes me feel like a lush.  I love it & I'd flirt with it if I could but people might look at me strange. I'm saddened by the fact that it may not be here anymore.  Those things that fade out become "nostalgic" and I feel they should never become that way.  Just like the dark room.  It's something I miss so much. Having the smell of chemicals on my hands and in the air, the red glow of light, the clock ticking and paper washing & drying.  It's where me all started. Everyone has a start place to knowing themselves and there it was in that dark room (in a non sexual way but it was pretty damn sexy if I do say so myself).  I don't think I've ever lost that love for it inside of me.  Some people do and it just becomes a hobby but for me, I don't think I could live without it in some way shape or form.  I'd be a miserable person, to say the least.  Somethings are novelties now. Novelties. But then just become old torn pages from a magazine sitting on your shelf. I used to be a magazine hoarder. I'd keep them all for no rhyme or reason.  I just loved them and cherished them.  I guess we all have the things we love.

Where I am now in my career and in life is exactly where I am supposed to be, now.  I have high aspirations but now I have the perfect blend between print & photography & fashion. I do miss shooting and I'm hoping to do more on the side now but I've learned a lot these past 3 years, about myself & my abilities to grow and learn.

Now that's what life is all about.  Not only living to love, like I said earlier, but to learn as well. And learn I shall do until the day I die.  You can be wise and sometimes beyond your years but even those who are- learn something new everyday.

So I'm telling you to learn and learn lots. Pick something up and challenge yourself.  You may actually enjoy it and continue with it in the end.

Peace, Love & The Joy of Life