Decisions Can Be The Death Of Me

There's something about big decisions that make me indecisive. Maybe it's because of the longevity of this decision or the amount of money involved in the outcome of this decision. Regardless, it makes me squeamish. I don't want to rush it but I know I'm not. It's a battle in my head of what I really feel. Damn it, this is when I believe in my astrology sign.

Believe it for not, I've never done this before and maybe that's the real reason why it's hard for me to make a complete decision and be comfortable with it. I'm still young and I can seriously say that I've done a lot more than most people at my age and even older. I'm a college graduate with a great job in my field, a married woman with a mortgage and a child- well furr child but let's be honest, he's my baby- and all my bills, including my cell phone, are now in my name. The whole idea of doing this scares me and it shouldn't- I've been through what most people would consider even scarier situations, like buying your first place.

Brand new car. To most, if not all of you, this is something you probably did when you were sixteen and are probably laughing at me right now. But like I've explained before, I grew up in a very generous home and was always taken care of when it came to that. Now I never had a brand new year of model car, it was always used or older and maybe that's why I'm even more intimidated. Brand new car. No one has owned this car prior to me (well of course, the dealership). Whatever happens to it is my fault, just like everything else in my life. It's a big step for me & large purchase I don't want to take lightly. 

It's not only a car for my dog but one day will be a car that our children will sit in. Now that is intimidating. I'm sure most wouldn't really think about it and maybe it's my brain running faster than my legs and arms again.  But I truly feel in this situation, the future actually matters.  And it is crazy to think that. We knew we would never stay in the home we bought forever, that was part of our plan.  But this decision is long term and way longer than that.

I'm trying to have fun with the whole thing but it actually gives me a headache and stresses me out a little.  I guess we will see. I narrowed down a few yesterday which helped in my process.  The trunk is my biggest priority without getting the car too big.  I keep saying this car is for my dog and truly in my heart it is. I want him to be comfortable and I don't want him to ruin my seats (seriously).  I don't think that's too much to look for.  But then you see the things you can afford and the things you can't.  I realize, damn it, I want all those things I can't afford.  I'm not sure I will be extremely happy with any car I purchase from here on out until I hit my mid life crisis. Cars seem too practical to me yet there is something about it that I want to feel luxury.  It's a fight and a battle in my head on what is practical and what I will love for a very long time.

Do I really need to be thinking about practicality?  In my situation, I really think that is a yes. So down below is one of the ones I saw yesterday that I have a feeling will be the one in the end. But I'd still like to see a few more and test out that trunk space.  This car I believe I could love for a very very long time if I got everything I wanted in it. The problem is what I want there are things I don't want and there is no give and take with a step up.  And there is a nice price difference, too.  It's all jumble in my head.

These are the decisions I have to make... I'm making this too difficult.  I should be happy I'm getting one and that we can afford it.  That's the bottom line.

2013 Kia Sorrento

Peace, Love & The Joy of Life

The Me No One Can Really See

Print & Fashion. Sometimes I think its the essence of what I am and who I am.

I majored in commercial photography with a focus in fashion and a minor in business. I grew up immersed in the fashion industry and the print industry.  I really think I was born into this world ready to be apart of it all.

When I was younger, my mother decided to fulfill her life long dream of going to fashion school.  Because she was a mother of two, she took the night classes and always brought us with her.  We would sit outside the classroom in the hallway, play our games and do our homework, nap and eat.  I never remember it ever being awful.  I do remember always wanting to go into the classroom with her and sit under her cutting table and play with all her scraps. I used to do this at home.  My mom had many dress forms and having two young girls, her thesis project was a children's clothing line.  So of course, she needed a mini dress form- child size if you will.  I remember taking fabric and draping it over the dress form pretending to make what mommy made.  I was also in her end of year runway show to showcase her work. I modeled a few outfits, took some photos with some friends & some very pretty tall leggy models, strutted my little butt down that long road of a runway and then got paid with animal crackers & chicken nuggets behind stage.  I'd say that's anyone's dream, right?

All models have attitude but these models learned at a young age.

Those tiny legs were on the run.

My mother was brilliant: high lo wedding dress. I really wasn't as small as this chick made me look.
 I mean, I was a model, ya know.

I've always looked up to her for that.  Being a mother and going to school. She later worked for a couture boutique in the city doing pattern making. I, again, remember going to work with her down in the city.  That train ride, long walk over the bridge and through the traffic to get to her space. I'd make forts under her desk and fall asleep. I'm sure I was a pain in the ass and whiney through it all.  But I look back on it now and think damn- I got to see a lot as a kid and yet I still kept all my innocence.

A lot of the privileges us ladies of our clan have gotten were because of my father's willingness to let us succeed and of course his generousness in helping us fulfill those dreams.  He worked hard for us to be able to do those things.  He still to this day does, even though he doesn't have us living under his roof anymore. He will die a happy man once my sister gets married.  It will be like a reinvention of his bank account.  He is a very smart man, especially with money.  It's basically what he does. He's been working at the same company for over 25 years.  If I could say it, he pretty much runs that company.  Not sure if he would agree but that's how I view him, a smart powerful man.  He's even intimidating to me in some in depth conversations.  I remember going to work with him, too. I would sit at the desk behind him, play on the computer (that was turned off) and pretend I was his secretary. I'd follow him down to the factory where they'd print everything and be amazed at the large machinery spitting out thousands of things at a time.  I'd see things I'd recognize: logos, advertisements, brochures. He'd try to explain to me the process over the noise and I'd intently listen but really just lose myself in all the hustle and bustle.  I don't know if I really ever grasped what my father actually did for his job but I knew he was an important person and that people looked up to him.  I look up to him especially for his work ethic.  There's no 9-5 in this man's life.  If he needed to go in on a saturday to make things work, he would.  And that's a reason I try my best to work as hard as I can, to be just like him.  I worked under him at that very company many years later while studying in college in the Digital PrePress room.  I learned a lot from that company.  Things I don't necessarily think I'll ever use myself in the future but knowing them makes me a smarter better person at what I specifically do.  It looks great on my resume- I can tell you that.  I can explain what happens after the fact.  Knowing the entirety of a process from start to finish is essential in my business.  From conceptualizing, to styling and shooting, to retouching, to designing and all the way to the machine that prints it.

There's something about print that makes me feel like a lush.  I love it & I'd flirt with it if I could but people might look at me strange. I'm saddened by the fact that it may not be here anymore.  Those things that fade out become "nostalgic" and I feel they should never become that way.  Just like the dark room.  It's something I miss so much. Having the smell of chemicals on my hands and in the air, the red glow of light, the clock ticking and paper washing & drying.  It's where me all started. Everyone has a start place to knowing themselves and there it was in that dark room (in a non sexual way but it was pretty damn sexy if I do say so myself).  I don't think I've ever lost that love for it inside of me.  Some people do and it just becomes a hobby but for me, I don't think I could live without it in some way shape or form.  I'd be a miserable person, to say the least.  Somethings are novelties now. Novelties. But then just become old torn pages from a magazine sitting on your shelf. I used to be a magazine hoarder. I'd keep them all for no rhyme or reason.  I just loved them and cherished them.  I guess we all have the things we love.

Where I am now in my career and in life is exactly where I am supposed to be, now.  I have high aspirations but now I have the perfect blend between print & photography & fashion. I do miss shooting and I'm hoping to do more on the side now but I've learned a lot these past 3 years, about myself & my abilities to grow and learn.

Now that's what life is all about.  Not only living to love, like I said earlier, but to learn as well. And learn I shall do until the day I die.  You can be wise and sometimes beyond your years but even those who are- learn something new everyday.

So I'm telling you to learn and learn lots. Pick something up and challenge yourself.  You may actually enjoy it and continue with it in the end.

Peace, Love & The Joy of Life

Love Is All You Need (A Gift When Given)

It's been a few days since I've written and that's okay with me. I got caught up in life which is the whole purpose of it, right? Nothing too tremendous has happen since I last spoke but I can tell you that I'm trying really hard to avoid certain things. For instance, when I get home late from a long day of work, I'm trying hard not to just sit on the couch, watch TV, fall into technology and forget about what is truly important.  I only have so many months left before that becomes my reality but with ice outside (not excited about that). 

So today I am going to talk about Love. The cheesy but incredibly real yet unexplainable word & feeling.

I've been loved my whole life and I'm not saying that to brag or anything but I truly have been.  I was raised in a household where the love in the room lit the fire that warmed the house.  And that's to say the least.  Now, growing up there were off days where I didn't feel so loved but I think those hard ones were the ones that made me realize the important people & things in my life. 

My parents loved each other and still do, very much so.  In fact, my in-laws are the same.  Lucas and I are very lucky to have two sets of parents that are still together and in love. That is rare and a gift.

I was sent to school everyday with a lunch bag or lunch money and regardless of which I always seemed to have a note from my mother. Now THAT my friends is bragging.  Everyday until I graduated high school I received a love lunch note in my lunch from my mother. How many people can say that?  Some people would think I'm weird and say, "Really? Until you were 18 years old? Isn't that a little too old?"  I answer you with this: Absolutely not! To show your child that you love them in the smallest way possible everyday for their entire life and have it as written proof is a gift.  And I hope my mother knows that because I will carry that on into my days of being a mother.  She's taught me a lot about being one and a good one at that. Again, that is a true gift. I knew my friends were jealous and they should have been.  But what they didn't realize is that if they asked, "well what about me?!", they would have gotten one from my mother as well.  In fact, my best friend said those exact words and from then on I had two love lunch notes in my lunch, one for me and one for her. 

I think it could be hard to spread your love so thin when you have such a gigantic heart. I used to say to Lucas, "My heart is so big it hurts." He made fun of me for it but he is part of the reason.  It's all his fault and I'm leaving it at that. 

So regardless if you grew up being loved or not, everyone deserves to find love in something sometime in their life. I was lucky enough to find it at home, in my career, in my pets, in my friends, in all the little strange things I find beautiful and of course, the man I married.  He's going to be a great father one day and I like to think I will be a great mother.  Our house will be full of love and hopefully that fire will light and warm our house as well.

Love is precious.  Cherish, nurture and love love. For some people, it is hard to come by.

I'm leaving you with photos of our special day because to this date I can honestly say I have never been so incredibly happy and excited about something. So excited that I didn't even understand the word stress or anxiety or fear (that specific day).  I got up that day from not sleeping (excitedness to the max) and from that moment did not stop smiling.  I don't remember anything going wrong either.  Now that I think about it the only thing I can think of was my typewriter running out of ink while people were signing the guest book.  I remember walking over to it, looking at it for a second and saying, "Throw a pen on the table with the paper, let's go dance!"  I honestly didn't care about it. All those small things I obsessed about for two years. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad I did. It was amazing and beautiful.  But when it comes down to it, on that day, I couldn't care at all.  I had my friends and family there, the sun was out, the music was playing and I had just become a married woman to an amazing man, typewriter ink sounded so trivial. 

So instead, I danced.  And that is what I'm telling you to do.... dance. Forget about it all and just dance.

Peace, Love & The Joy of Life

P.S.  I found this and fell completely in love with it.  Thought I'd share!

"C'est cela l'amour, tout donner, tout sacrifier sans espoir de retour."  --Albert Camus

TRANSLATION:

"That's love, giving everything, sacrificing all without hope of return."

Too Sexy For My Hotness

 

Yesterday I woke up early and decided to start my day off exceptionally well.  I took my pup for a long walk in the sunniest freshest most amazing morning breeze that I have felt in a long time.  Maybe that was all I needed, fresh air.  Not this hot stuffy humid air we have been having all summer.  But all I know is, it got me pumped for what's to come... Fall. I'm a sucker for it. All that layering, sweaters, boots, hats, bonfires, tastiness, pumpkins, apples, snuggles... it is all making me salivate right now.  Now this is by no means me saying I love winter.... I despise winter. Let's not get the two mixed up. I want to be outside crunching wet leaves in no coat not sloshing through goopy black slush with snot frozen to my nostrils. Yes, I said it and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Anyways, the summer is wrapping up- which I am a little sad about. Now that the weather is in the 70s and 80s, it is actually an enjoyable part of the summer. One thing I will be sad about for sure is farmer's market ending.  I didn't feel I got to actually enjoy the majority of them.  Probably because I was consumed with wedding planning and marrying my best friend, love of my life and other half.  But once that all was said and done, life got back to normal. THANK YOU BABY JESUS. We had time to enjoy life together (not that planning was not enjoyable- it was fantastic).  One place specific was being outside doing all sorts of things: concerts, canoeing, swimming, walking, etc. That's when I decided I was going to try to visit farmer's markets as much as I could while the time still allowed which is soon to not be at all.

So after I walked the pup, I grabbed my camera with my new orgasmic lens, kissed my sleeping hubby goodbye and darted out the door. [note: you'll find that my husband is a night owl and a late sleeper and I am the complete opposite- this will only be beneficial when we have a baby but something to look forward to nonetheless] 

I arrived at the Jefferson Township Park where there were a few lined tents, average folk and lots of pups & kids. I've been to so many farmer's markets that this one felt small to me. It could very well be that it's because it's so late in the year.  Regardless, I whipped out my ten dollar bill and bought some goodies. I even saved two dollars. 

I walked away with one green pepper the size of my head, one zucchini the size of... well we don't need to get into that, a jalapeno cheese pretzel, four ears of corn and of course some awesome hot peppers.  I think I may have only bought them for these reasons; the colors caught my eye from across the field, my husband likes hot peppers & the cutest old couple were selling them.  I'm a sucker for aging couples who still show their love together.  Their stand didn't have anything huge but they were by far the one with the most diverse vegetable options. The moment I walked up I thought to myself, I cannot wait to grow a garden with my husband.  You could tell they not only loved each other but those vegetables were their babies and they were so damn proud of them. The little lady even gave me extra hot peppers no charge... she just grabbed them and threw them in my bag after I paid. That small gesture was probably the best of my day. I didn't even really need them but the fact that she really was serious about me having them made me okay with it.  Anyways, so I grabbed my stuff and walked around, took some photos, then left.

I got home and felt inspired to actually shoot something so I grabbed those hot peppers that caught my eye with their vivid color and threw down some burlap.  Below are my results.  It's been awhile since I did something like this for fun and for free (well without the price of the peppers). It only took a few minutes but I'm pleased with the outcome for my first time back to being me.  I'll get there and get better, too.  It's something you never forget- like riding a bicycle.  It's forever in me, I just can't let my heart forget it's there.

So hot mamas and papas,  I leave you with these sexy sizzlers.

 

  Peace, Love & The Joy of Life

The Start of Something Real

They always say, "there is a time and a place for everything." They being anyone philosophical enough to say so, the time being now and the place being, well, here of course.

I've been reevaluating the terms of happiness and what it means to me in my life.  I've even started reading the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  Yeah, I know, it's one of those weird self help books.  You may be thinking, "what the hell does she have to be unhappy about?"

This is my answer to you:
I'm incredibly happy where I am right now.  I have the most loving husband a girl could ever ask for, whom tries everyday to make me happy in some small way or another.  I have the sweetest, goofiest most protective fur ball as my best friend at my feet at all times.  I have two loving families (one whom I miss dearly all the time) that constantly believes in me no matter how ridiculous my dreams may be. I have friends, lots of wonderful friends, who care, listen, talk, laugh and dream big with me.  A job that I should never take for granted, that allows me to utilize a four year education that my loving parents graciously gave me. And of course, my home and health.  They may never be exactly how I want it but I will always try my best to get there. I have lots to be proud of, I'm young and still alive, very alive.

I AM HAPPY. And happily happy, too.  But I've realized that sometimes my head and heart run faster than my legs and arms can get me.  I want everything I've ever dreamed of, now. And why shouldn't I be able to think that I cannot have it all now?

I'll tell you... because things like that make me miss out on what is happening actually, in this moment. Now. Reality, I think that's what it's called.  In fact, I forgot but that is what I wrote my college essay on- reality through a camera lens.  Don't get me wrong, I will never get to anywhere I want to be without a little dreaming and lots of aspirations. But I'm trying to figure out a way to live now, enjoy life now while dreaming of things to come. This may not be so hard for some, but I have bohemian gypsy in my blood and not to mention I'm a Gemini.  [note: I'm not a firm believer in astrology but damn it sometimes it all makes sense.] So not only is it hard for me to stay in one place for very long but I have two sides to me, one that wants to settle down and plant my roots somewhere and one that wants to forever be a wanderer, travel & see the world.  I'm trying to mix the two, balance my yin & yang if you will.

I've learned that sometimes, for me, spontaneity helps cure my gypsy cold.

So, the meaning of this space is for me to document my life. To help keep my feet planted while dreaming high in the sky.  It will be here to remind me of the little things in life each day that make me happy.  How young I am and to never forget it.

That's me, enjoying life.

 

Peace, Love & The Joy of Life